Anything.

Numbness. It’s like everything around you is moving but, you are stuck standing still in the midst of it all. Conversations are happening, people & things are moving & none of it even causes you to blink a eye. You’re stuck in the midst of it. Not much air to breathe, everything has a haze around it, lips are moving but you can not hear the words, numbness.

June 23, 2015. I yelled for Ricky. I had just gotten a positive on a pregnancy test. In shock. Not my plan. Not trying. Not sure how to feel. But it was positive. A few days later we would get a email with the fostering to adopt papers we had been requesting. That was MY plan. This longing for a fourth child but, this selfish mindset that I did not want to put my body through a 4th pregnancy but, a selfless mindset that I could give a baby a home that maybe was unwanted or mistreated. My plan went out the window with that positive.

After the shock, came the tears, and then came joy. I of course start thinking of names, creating a “secret” Pinterest board & of course took my first “official” bump pic.

     
I had always said if Ricky & I somehow had a 4th child I wouldn’t “post” about it until I was showing & really had to tell. I have made much of our lives public & I wanted us to enjoy this moment ourselves. & we did. We kept our little “secret” for about a week & then my loud mouth had to tell someone! SO we decided we would tell our family & our close friends… & then of course you know I go to my womens Bible Study & our book we are digging into talks about pretending. Really Jesus? Thank God it did though. These strong praying women started praying for me that night. I’ll come back to this 🙂 We celebrated in secrecy with those that knew! It was a fun two weeks, full of questions, emotions & planning.

According to my calculations I had to be a little past 5 weeks. With all 3 of my children I have found out I was pregnant at 5 weeks! I’ve never gotten to be the girl that finds out at like 15-20 & gets to be halfway done with the pregnancy when she finds out LOL. Nope I’m the girl that counts down at least 32-35 weeks 🙂

Immediately after the reality set in of the pregnancy I just had a bad feeling. Sounds awful, felt awful even thinking it. But I did. I told Ricky & my friend Kami from the very get go, something did not feel right. I remember when I was younger my mother every now & then would have those intuitions. I remember numerous occasions her saying, “Something just doesn’t feel right” Sometimes after she would say it she would be right, something was not right & then sometimes everything seemed normal. Saying those words though I felt like my mother.

I had my bloodwork done just to verify the test was accurate & my levels came back that I was very early on but, was indeed pregnant. I was told my levels would start to drastically double over the next 48-72 hours. Since we are self-pay & the initial levels looked good I opted out of going back & decided to just sit tight until my first ultrasound, enjoying what God had decided to do in our lives. I pinned a lot. I pretty much have my whole maternity photo shoot done, nursery done, stroller picked, & names are set. I had it all planned.

Wednesday July 8, 2015. The day before I didn’t really realize it but, I had begun spotting. I woke up Wednesday & what I had thought I was just making up became very real. I was bleeding. I instantly felt that “I have a bad feeling” kick in & knew I needed to call the doctor. They were able to get me in for bloodwork & move my ultrasound to that day. The ultrasound wasn’t until 4pm & right before I was headed in my doctor had called to let me know my levels were not increasing & this pregnancy did not look like it was going to “stay”

This is where the numbness set in. Ricky drove me to the ultrasound & I knew the world around me was moving & living but, I was not. I was numb. Stuck. Still. Heartbroken. By the time of the ultrasound my bleeding had become very heavy. Nothing was able to be seen through a regular ultrasound so, I had to have a vaginal (sorry for the details) ultrasound. In that moment I stared at the ceiling, all my pride on the floor. I felt like a complete failure. I couldn’t bare to even look over at Ricky. I knew if I looked into his eyes I would ugly girl cry right on that table. I trembled uncontrollably the whole time. I felt like someone had a tight grip on my heart & the grip was tightening by the minute. I felt like my body was in shock.

The ultrasound showed a sack. There was a baby still in there but, I was not measuring according to the dates I had given of my last menstrual cycle. The ultrasound tech wasn’t allowed to tell me much more so, I would leave with 100 questions wrapping my little brain & no answers. I cried the whole way home behind my sunglasses. My amazing husband stopped at CVS to get me some pads and as soon as the car door closed I ugly girl cried. I wailed out. I let God know exactly how I was feeling. I grieved. I cried out loud. I let my pride steal so many moments. This was one of them. This should have been a moment I let my loving husband hold me & comfort me but, I was too prideful. Here’s the thing with being “strong”… it makes you weak. I don’t come from a place of showing too many of my emotions… at least not the ones that don’t bring joy & laughter. I always just suck it up, show up & put a smile on my face. Pride. She’s a root of many evils.

When we got home my mom was waiting with the kids. I broke down crying in front of her & the kids… not for too long though, that pride wouldn’t allow that. But I was thankful I could at least get some of it out. I came inside, lied down & talked with my mom. The doctor called & I asked, “What now?” “How does “this” work?” She explained really the only two options… Wait it out at home or have a D&C. I had just seen a life inside of me & didn’t know if the heart was beating or not. I know me, & there’s no way I could have slept doing a D&C after what I had seen. So, I opted out & decided to wait this out at home, to pray for my miracle. To be one of the stories I had read on Google. To be a testimony of God still being in the business of making miracles. I would hold on tight to that until I couldn’t anymore.

This exact scenario had happened with my mom. She did not have a D&C done & praise God she chose not to because I was still in there. I was a twin… my mom didn’t share this with me until I started having children of my own. Knowing this story of my own life I couldn’t have the D&C. What if this was a repeat? What if I had twins & I was only losing one & there was still one left?? SOOOO MANY UNANSWERED QUESTIONS.

So, for the last week I have been at home bleeding. I’ve tried getting out of the house a few times & if we have come in contact I am sorry if I looked & acted miserable. Walking around feeling & wondering if the life inside you was living or dieing is one of the absolute most heartbreaking experiences I have ever had to go through. The site of pregnant bellies had me feeling mine. I ran my fingers over any baby clothes that came in my path. The site of newborns gave me hope but, absolutely brought me to tears. I have been wrecked.

The Thursday after my ultrasound I passed 4-5 golfball size clots & wondered if that was “it” I wouldn’t get my answer until Monday. Over that weekend a dear friend of mine got married & I was able to turn off my brain & just enjoy her special day & PRAY I didn’t bleed through the WHITE bridesmaid dress I was wearing!

Monday came. My heart raced the whole way to the doctors office. What was I about to see? Anything? Nothing? Life? Death? How would I respond? Was I about to lose it in the office? The ultrasound finally came & I lay there expecting the worse. She had located a sack! There was our baby! She said I was measuring about 5 weeks (didn’t match up with my dates at all) so would be no way to hear a heartbeat but there was a sack & it seemed to be a little bigger than the last ultrasound that was days before. I bet looking at my skin the color went from fair to somewhat tan again. It was like God had breathed some life back into me. I had hope again. I was optimistic that I WOULD be that miracle story on Google.

I left to get my blood-work done & knew that that would prove all of those doubters wrong. That my levels would have increased & everyone would believe what I had been praying for the whole time because God was going to show them! Then hours later my blood-work came back & my HCG had slightly increased but my progesterone had plummeted. I had been told by the world to believe but, to be careful not to believe too much for this moment right here. I chose to still wait it out at home & keep praying for my miracle.

My prayers went from being very selfish to very selfless. My first initial prayers were, Lord SAVE this baby! I know you can, I believe you can. Make us your miracle story. Breath life into this baby, breathe life into me. Save this baby Lord, I want this baby Lord. Please don’t take them from me. BUT your will be done. Like, Lord have your will but just make your will align with mine, please & thanks. Yeah. That’s not how God works. You can not say “Your will be done” BUT just make sure Your will looks like my will. Then I started wondering, if I keep praying this selfish prayer could this baby stay but be unhealthy? On top of trying to deal with all of this life that’s being thrown at me I HAVE PREGNANCY HORMONES! Wrecked.

The women in my Bible study knew what was going on in our 4 walls & after I missed a week of our study they all wrote me handwritten letters & left them in my mailbox. Powerful words of their own, powerful prayers & powerful scripture references. One that stuck out was from my friend Brandi. She had used

Romans 8:26- And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words.

I had come to a crossroads of do I pray for this or that. How do I even pray right now? What is the right prayer to pray? And all I could do is cry. This verse comforted me. Knowing that I personally didn’t have to say a single word & God would know exactly what my heart was saying.

After a week of grieving Bible study had made it’s way back around & I felt in my heart I was suppose to be there. The enemy tried to keep me from going but, I know his voice all too well & I can hear Gods louder. As soon as I pulled into the parking lot my heart raced, I knew I was going to lose it & that terrified me. A room of 20+ women see my lose it was not really on my bucket list or list of things I WANT to do. But it was something I needed to do. I sat through most of the 2hr study just listening & feeling somewhat better knowing others were going through “things” too. Then of course closing comes & we are asked if there’s anything else that needs to be shared & after 2hrs of pretending I knew I couldn’t pretend anymore. That I wasn’t suppose to pretend. That this was my moment to be vulnerable. To cry out. To ask for prayer. To ask for help. To accept all of the above. To leave that ugly evil pride on the floor of my church. And I did. I “ugly girl cried” I shared all the thoughts the devil had brought into my mind over all of this & how bad I was hurting. I felt horrible knowing my husband was on the outside looking into this but feeling it too. But not feeling it like I was. He looked at me with sorrow. He hasn’t known what to say. What could he say? Nothing would take it all away. Nothing would make it better. There is nothing anyone could say to change anything. I left it all on the floor.

My friends sat me in a chair in the center of the room, laid hands on me, cried & prayed Gods amazing words over my body. I could feel each & everyone of them. I prayed to receive them. To not miss what was being given to me. I pray as I age God never lets me forget the image I have in my head of that moment. He had wrecked me up until that moment. That moment I felt a chain break off & hit the ground & in that moment I had lost weight. Weight from a burden I was not meant to carry. Weight from a burden I was meant to give to Him. The weight of control. I’ve never had it & as much as I wanted to think I did, I didn’t.

I woke up this morning feeling alive again. Feeling like it was time to live again. Feeling like I could put myself back into this world. At 12:40pm I stood up & looked at Ricky & said “it happened” & it had. God had taken my baby. One of my biggest fears through this all is that I would have to flush my baby down the toilet & possibly not know it. I had prayed that wouldn’t be the case. & today God honored that. God heard the prayers that were prayed over me last night & he healed me, he gave me the closure I had been seeking. Of course my flesh had hoped I would be the “miracle case” but, I have three beautiful little miracles that I am still called to take care of & love unconditionally. I have miracles. God does miracles in my life every single day & I know this is another one of them. There could have been more extreme heartbreak from a unhealthy pregnancy & baby that maybe God knew my heart could not handle. My baby is in the arms of Jesus now, the Lord saw this day long before I did. I was able to fall to my knees today & weep but actually feel my heart beat & I haven’t felt that in awhile. I was able to grieve but feel there is joy to come from this.

So what does this mean? What does this look like today?

It hurts. It breaks my heart. But I’m awake.

Going into this Bible study called Anything by Jennie Allen we were encouraged to pray that, “God, ANYTHING” I have prayed it in my head, I have felt sincere with the prayer. I feel like I mean it, ANYTHING! Has this been my ANYTHING? Before that prayer I felt “lukewarm” I don’t have much scripture memorize but I know-

Revelations 3:15-16  I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other!  So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.

That verse has always scared the fire out of me & it’s exactly where I have found myself this whole summer. Lukewarm. Sometimes to wake us up God has to shake us to the core. He has to completely wreck things to remind you, YOU don’t got this. You need me!

I’ve had numerous conversations with women that have miscarried before. In every single conversation I remember seeing the hurt in their eyes & hearing it in their voice. But I remember knowing I couldn’t possibly ever feel what they had felt. Today I feel it. I feel how real that hurt is. I’ll never forget it. That baby will always be apart of me. I am praying that I allow this to radically change my life. I am praying that I am DONE with the lukewarm, that this testimony reaches the brokenhearted that I am stretched & different from this season.

Psalm 34:18-19 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted & saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.

“Romans 11:36- reminds us that everything exists by Gods power & is intended for His glory. Although He does not inflict suffering on us for punishment, He will allow things to come into our lives that we can use to bring glory to Him. Jesus said, “I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials & sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world” (John 16:33)”

I finished my day grieving & praying. I write this all in complete exhaustion but, tomorrow I wake up & I will begin to live again because through this I have a loving God, a amazing husband & three beautiful miracles that I have been entrusted with.

For the many women that have miscarried I pray that you know God absolutely loves you & He loves your baby more than you could ever imagine. I pray that you do not isolate. I pray that you share your testimony, you share your heart & you give the glory to God through your faith. I know experiencing this without my faith I would be drunk by now. I would be tossing back any emotion I had through a bottle. Today I actually am allowing myself to feel. To grieve. To deal with what I wouldn’t have wanted to deal with. To process. To pray. To believe. I even said YES to help! That alone was breakthrough for me. I wrote again, I had let satan detour me from writing through the fear of offending people awhile back & I have been distant from a burden God placed on my heart for a long time!! I’m sad but, I feel alive again. I pray you find that livelihood again. I pray you find joy again. I pray that in the darkness you find the little light, that might even look like a distant flashlight, I pray you hold tight to it & that that light grows to shine brighter than any of the darkness. I pray you soften your heart to hear His.

This last week God has completely wrecked me & in doing so He has completely renewed me.

Please share this with anyone you know that might need some hope right now. There is hope in the name of Jesus Christ. I leave you with these lyrics that have pulled me through the day.

Come out of sadness
From wherever you’ve been
Come broken hearted
Let rescue begin
Come find your mercy
Oh sinner come kneel
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t heal
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t heal

So lay down your burdens
Lay down your shame
All who are broken
Lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home
You’re not too far
So lay down your hurt
Lay down your heart
Come as you are

There’s hope for the hopeless
And all those who’ve strayed
Come sit at the table
Come taste the grace
There’s rest for the weary
Rest that endures
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t cure

So lay down your burdens
Lay down your shame
All who are broken
Lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home
You’re not too far
Lay down your hurt
Lay down your heart
Come as you are
Come as you are
Fall in his arms
Come as you are
There’s joy for the morning
Oh sinner be still
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t heal
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t heal

So lay down your burdens
Lay down your shame
All who are broken
Lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home
You’re not too far
So lay down your hurt
Lay down your heart
Come as you are
Come as you are
Come as you are

David Crowder- Come as You Are