It’s been awhile.
I’ve missed putting my heart on paper (or a screen)
There’s SO much to share. Before you read this do me a huge favor….Back peddle & go read
“Anything” & “Anything Pt 2”
I want to make sure you can feel & see the transformation the Lord has made & just be in awe like I am daily now of His faithfulness.
So now that you’ve gone to read it… Here we are!
I wrote “Anything” in July 2015. After experiencing our first miscarriage. It’s now October 2016. (I know I’ve been absent awhile) & I am SO excited to tell you about life today. But, first I need to take you back to September of 2015.
As I explained in “Anything” Ricky & I had had this plan of fostering/adopting & then we found out we were pregnant so, that plan changed. After feeling our sweet baby inside of me for those few weeks my heart then longed for that feeling again. Ricky & I prayed & asked God to gift us another baby.
At the beginning of September 2015 He did just that. I was pregnant again.
We were overjoyed with a slight hint of fear… if I am being honest. One minute I knew everything would be fine, what had happened before couldn’t possibly happen again & on the opposite end the enemy had absolutely crippled me with fear.
We had our first ultrasound. I was so early on all we were able to visually see was a “fetal pole” Our baby was very new but, there was for sure a baby! My levels stayed on track for weeks. I felt great!
I was 10+ weeks. After experiencing a miscarriage just a few short months before my doctor had my levels checked every Monday. That Monday my HCG had come back great but, my progesterone had dropped to a 19.5. My doctor assured me I did not need to worry but, anything less than a 20 she liked to start a progesterone supplement. I immediately lost my peace. Something was off.
I was able to get in that Thursday for a ultrasound. The machine being used was older. What the ultrasound screen was showing was not adding up with my 10+ week baby. So, I was sent downstairs to the “specialist” where the machines were more advanced & the doctors could take a good look at what was happening.
I’ll never forget getting dressed to head down & lifting my head to look at Ricky, with tears in my eyes, saying, “Ricky I can not do this again”
He looked at me for a moment. He didn’t have to say a thing. His eyes & skin tone said it all. He assured me, in his strongest loving husbandly response, everything would be fine.
Ricky had to leave when I was taken downstairs to go get the kids from school. We hadn’t really planned on the appointment going past the time we needed to leave to get the kiddos so he had no choice. I was alone.
They took me into my ultrasound room.
I laid there.
Complete silence. Or that’s all I recall.
Then.
A song came blaring through the radio.
[Chorus:]
“When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain’t gonna last forever
And things can only get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger
Gonna make you stronger, stronger, stronger
Believe me, this is gonna make you Stronger
Try and do the best you can
Hold on and let Him hold your hand
And go on and fall into the arms of Jesus
Oh, lift your head it’s gonna end
God’s right there
Even when you just can’t feel Him
I promise you that He still cares”
-Stronger by Mandisa
As soon the lyrics rang in my ears, I knew.
I didn’t need a doctor to tell me anything.
I knew.
Of course they still had to. The doctor came in & as tears just ran down my face I didn’t say a word. What the Lord had told me before he stepped in that room was confirmed. The baby had not grown. What had once been a strong heartbeat was now gone.
The doctors & nurses apologized & had no answers of why this had happened… not once, but twice now. Especially since I have had 3 healthy pregnancies with 3 healthy children. Nothing medically made any sense.
Ricky came to pick me up after grabbing the kids.
I would choose to let my body do what it was built to do. I waited at home. For a week. The week before Thanksgiving our baby went to be in the arms of Jesus & meet his brother/sister in Heaven.
Praise God for His people. Some sweet girlfriends would come pick me up one night after & just let me vent & cry. Not throw out scripture, not throw out opinion, not throw out stories… just complete love. The kind of love Christ calls for. They’ll never know how much my flesh didn’t want to get out of bed but my spirit needed that love in that moment. Another precious couple would bring us dinner one evening, one less thing we had to worry about in that season.
The hands & feet of Christ are SO precious! I aspire to be like these people mentioned above. To not have any answers but, to just give out a unconditional love when needed the most.
The second miscarriage was physically much more painful.
November & the next few months would be extremely hard on me. Physically, spiritually, emotionally… I was at a loss for words.
I had so many questions.
With no answers.
Answers I don’t believe I will ever get this side of Heaven.
I went through that winter & spring completely wandering. I turned 30yrs old that December & remember believing as soon as the clock strikes midnight I am getting my life together.
I still don’t have it together.
Let me tell you what happened in that wandering though.
I have always been a “people pleaser” a “people person” if you will. I have allowed much of my happiness to rely on those around me. Well in this season of what felt like wandering, if you asked me I would have told you I was alone. I felt alone. Much on my own end of allowing the enemy to isolate me. I had lost all my passion & purpose. I had NO idea what I was doing with my life. What on earth I was even put on this planet for. I was picking up things for comfort I was never called to pick up. I was watching things I knew not to watch. I was letting the enemy pull me into rebellion & defiance.
I mean if we want to just say it…. I felt like a hot mess. A 30yr old hot mess. Like, wasn’t I suppose to have my life together by now? Know exactly who I was? Who “my people” were? Wasn’t everything just suppose to make sense by 30?
Nothing did. I went from being a passion loving, purpose driven woman to a stinkin hot mess.
In the midst of finding “Magen” again… I found Jesus.
He was there the whole time. He had never left me. I was not alone. I was not lost.
I was blind.
Hurt people, hurt people.
I hurt some people I deeply love in this season of grieving & wandering. I distanced myself from many & let the enemy shrink me back.
Then.
Gods word, that is rooted, took ahold of me… again! Praise God for His grace! NEVER ENDING GRACE. Day by day, Grace.
I begin to watch Him & His word pull me out of my shrinking & into my shining. His word in me shining through me.
He pulled me out & back into His community. He pulled me out & into something bigger than I could ever imagine.
I could breathe again.
I was ready to run!
And just as I would take off God blessed our family. Again.
We found out we were pregnant!
So here I am today. Rubbing this sweet baby boy in my belly as I type these words. Tears streaming down my face as I get to share that HE IS WHO HE SAYS HE IS.
I am almost 7mths pregnant now with a might warrior of God!
Rush Roman Reaves
Rush- to never forget to keep moving.
& Roman- Oh sweet Roman! Because Romans 8:26 has my heart! The verse God would use to pull me through this last year and a half. (& If we are being honest Romans is just all around GOOD)
I do want you to know though that even if God had not given us Rush I would still tell you, He.Is.Good.
Good beyond our wildest dreams.
I needed to hit rock bottom, to find He is my rock at the bottom (have always loved that saying)
He uses ALL for good. I know if Ricky & I had not walked through this year of hurt, grieving & loss we would not be where we are today. Our marriage has blossomed more through this season than ever before. I have found a complete dependance on the Lord & His word. I am learning to QUIT pleasing people, especially the “wrong” people. He is refining me daily. I am a sinner in need of a savior & He is there.
So whatever season He has YOU in right now.
Be still.
Let Him move.
Lean in.
Do not waiver. Because He won’t.
Do NOT shrink back.
Persevere.
He will get the glory.
He always does.
& remember….
[Chorus:]
When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain’t gonna last forever
And things can only get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger
Gonna make you stronger, stronger, stronger
Believe me, this is gonna make you Stronger
Try and do the best you can
Hold on and let Him hold your hand
And go on and fall into the arms of Jesus
Oh, lift your head it’s gonna end
God’s right there
Even when you just can’t feel Him
I promise you that He still cares
